It's just a jump to the left

SOCIETY is overdue for a new group dance. I'm not talking about the wiggle-like-this-and-thrash-about-a-bit steps of the Twist, Mashed Potato or the Watusi but a serious four-glasses-of-champagne-and-Uncle-Max-is-up-with-the-bridesmaids along the lines of the Time Warp, the Nutbush or the most recent addition to the stable - and geez, that was in the late 1990s - the Macarena.
While line dancing is the domain of lonely cowboys and the denim-clad girls who wish to woo them, there is something utterly liberating about being on a dancefloor with a group of the choreographically challenged, stomping out a set of straightforward steps like a well-oiled machine to a funky, driving beat. With group dancing, even those with two left feet and no sense of rhythm can shine.
I am, I proudly admit, a queen of the group dance. My husband has won money on me being the last sweat-stained bridal guest standing on the dancefloor with a no-error count doing the Nutbush to the extended mix at a wedding. That sucker goes for more than 15 minutes! It's a dance I learned on roller skates, not blades, when the disco ball glittering over the roller rink at suburban Glen Waverley was the most romantic thing on earth.
If you can Nutbush on skates, then stilettos are a cinch, as it is a well-known fact that shoes you cannot walk in are tops for dancing.
At end-of-year parties, you'll find me head of the line, leading the Macarena and getting the most out of the hip-swirling turn, tart that I am. I have even been known to shake a tail feather and I could do the Time Warp in the days when I was too young to know what a transsexual was. I'm not sure whether it's the alcohol that unleashes the Flash Dancer in me, or the jazz ballet lessons I endured as a child where you simply did not leave the stage until the routine was over, but group dancing is, I believe, the only kind of extended exercise I can reliably see through to the end.
Musical history shows it is a long time between drinks for group dancing fans like myself. A quick search of Wikipedia claims there are 35 "novelty and fad group dances" but like most things on Wikipedia, you have to question the veracity.
How many people have heard of the Smurf Dance? I've never "done the Roger Rabbit" at a wedding. Neither, it seems, has anyone else because these listings are just "stubs", which means more information is needed - and I reckon that will be some time coming. Some dances listed are just plain dumb.
The Hokey Pokey - oh please, people. Even after 15 champagnes the Hokey Pokey is never a good idea, unless you're at a kindergarten end-of-year and aged under four, and the Bird Dance should only be contemplated by people who speak languages with guttural stops.
No, it is sad but true that about a decade separates the truly great - and even half-decent - group dances. Consider, if you will, the fact that the Nutbush rose to popularity in 1973 with Tina Turner's song Nutbush City Limits and yet it was not until the 1980s that the Blues Brothers got everyone shaking a tail feather, although the judges are out on whether this can strictly be called a group dance as it requires freestyle during the verses.
Turner had a second go with Nutbush in 1991 but it only got to 16 on the Australian chart and 23 in Britain and I'm not sure whether we're counting re-runs. The critics say the key to the Nutbush's success is its long introduction, which gives people time to get off their backsides and onto the dancefloor.
As evidence they cite the fact that only a few of us tragics can still remember the Bus Stop, which did not have enough of an intro to commit it to the group consciousness.
And indeed the "intro argument" may have some merit as it was not until 1996 when Bayside Boys remixed the Los Del Rio hit Macarena and gave it English lyrics that everyone got back on the dancefloor to get their arms tangled and shake their hips around.
Laugh though you might, Macarena spent 14 weeks at No. 1 on the US Billboard Hot 100 singles chart, which was one of the longest runs at the top in the list's history.
But when and where will the next one come? I for one will be knocking back the champers in anticipation and waiting for my turn to shine.